How to Handle Defiance For Parents

Tweens seem to think they know it all. Everything!! It’s frightening sometimes as they see it as ‘normal’ that they should defy what others have to say. Let’s take some time to talk about how to handle defiance for parents.

Have you ever heard a 10 year old tell you “You’re not the boss of me!” or “I know! You don’t have to tell me”. No matter what it is. Even if it is the first time that something is being encountered.

Defiance seems to give them a sense of authority. A sense of being totally in control. Especially in only children. It is because they do not have siblings to check what they are saying or to challenge them. Siblings create balance in everyday happenings at home. Each child will have their own perspective and as parents know, children have a way of making themselves heard.

Unfortunately this sense of knowing- it- all can spread into their actions as well. This can be dangerous as then peer pressure can step in and turn the tide. If at school you are different from the others, then there is either scorn or acceptance. It is never somewhere in between. Consequently, if it is acceptance the trend is to go with the flow and follow or be the leader. If there is scorn then you are no more than an Ugly Doll.

So, how do you handle defiance?

Actions of Tweens

Actions are a result of their experience. That defiance that you might be familiar with it at home now becomes even stronger if you are in the accepted group. Woe unto the child who is scorned, because there is no-one to share that natural, normal, unique defiance with. No-one to vent with. No-one to try out how you are feeling inside. The result we most commonly see is that they hold onto that defiance until the moment comes when it comes rushing out without any attempt to or any ability to control.

We are all familiar with those cases of school shootings and children hitting out at and on their teachers, etc. That is why I am making the point that defiance in the early tweens is a natural expression that should be channelled the way the peaceful parent yearns for. This is the period of development where we see feelings of inferiority vs. feelings of self-confidence battling for emergence. This is the challenge which is being resolved in the child. It’s your chance for learning how to handle defiance as parents.

What about transition to adulthood

But it seems to me there is more to tweens than just how to handle defiance by words and action. Here I am talking about making that transition to adulthood. Transition means moving from one stage to another. In the human being it is both social and physical. It is emotional and physical. It is cognitive and physical. As you can see the physical side of things is the most critical one. All the others spring from that change in organs, body size, motor performance and sexual changes.

I always feel it for the girls. But never forget the boys. It’s so easy to say boys don’t have any changes beyond the physical ones. Well isn’t this what it is all about.

Those challenging Physical changes

Hormonal changes: with girls on the average starting 2 years older than boys
Sleep patterns: change with a tendency to go to bed later as they feel that they need less sleep
Gross motor performance: seems to improve, especially as parents are now pressing for clarity of their concern we hear so often expressed as the question “what do you want to do”.
Primary and Secondary sexual characteristics: now become more clear as sex hormones enter the mix. Girls experience menarche, boys experience spermarche as there is growth of sex organs and pubic hair.

I am not going into this in detail. What I want to ask you to is to think back to when you were passing through this stage of development. Was it traumatic or did it slip by easily? For those who took it in stride were there certain factors in place to help the transition to adulthood. For those who had a difficult time, were the physical changes awful, threatening and maybe unexplained until too late.

For those of us who have tweens this post is a wake-up call. Defiance is their unconscious call for help. Tweens need a great deal of continuous, tangible, patient help. Find a way to gently step in in time and do not rely on the school or the camp advisor. It is your responsibility as parent or caregiver to watch out for the signs and give them the support they need.