Canada seems to be experiencing an increase in the number of enquires about divorce. Therapists report that they are unclear what is happening. Is it that there was always an issue that has suddenly become unbearable. Or is it that it was always there but now they can hide behind the pandemic .
The fact is, being forced to stay in close continuous contact for over a year now is going to be a test for many persons. There are so many factors that come into play.
My concern, however, is that very often there are children involved and we need to think about the consequences.
I came across an extremely useful site called Healthline.com which discusses the effects of divorce on children of different ages. I can remember when my parents decided to do such a thing. I say ‘such a thing’ as it was considered then really out of the ordinary and not necessary. The woman was expected to listen to her spouse and that was all there was to it.
For a teenager this was the end of the world. Yet these parents did not seem to realize how much the end of the world it was.
Healthline looks at the elementary school age child and sees this as the most difficult age to experience a split up between parents. We tend to forget that to children who grow with their parents, for the first 10 years at least their expectation is that both parties will always be there.
When they find out that this is really happening, the questions invariably include:
- “If you love me, why can’t you stay together?
- What did I do?
- Is this because I don’t always do what I’m told?
- I promise I’ll be a good kid.
- Does Dad/Mom not love me anymore? Is that why they want to leave? “
Parents often do not attempt to answer the questions not realizing that the child is blaming themselves. This is a familiar scenario in all the movies we see with this theme. Did I say something? It’s my fault I know it. And then as the reality sets in the real questions start.
This Covid 19 outbreak of possible divorce proceedings is not a ‘good’ thing as we are now realizing that staying in your loop is going on for an extended time with the 3rd phase. And if one adult finds a way to stay away and then return to visit at intervals, the situation is even more devastating. What if they are spreading the virus?
It’s complex.
Once more parents have to take responsibility for how the child develops. Being able to counsel or comfort their child/ren is critical. They have to watch for unusual behaviors which can indicate depression or self-blame. They have to put the children center stage in the scenario acting out around them. The effect of a divorce is usually long-lasting.
Try not to talk about what you are planning while they are around. Children can hear through closed doors. Making the decision with a professional counsellor or therapist is really the only way to go .