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Never underestimate the importance of knowing your weights and measures.

For Christmas one year, my mother gifted my boys with Home Depot tool boxes, complete with the full range of functional, but small-sized tools.  They each had a hammer, saw, pliers, screwdriver, wrench, level and tape measure.  Most children, when in possession of such items as hammers and saws, would immediately set about harming themselves or property with these tools.  Not my kids.  For my kids, it was the tape measure.

We all know that men get really hung up on the size of their “bits and pieces”, but being from a family full of girls, I had no idea that this obsession begins in boys at such a young age.  When he was in Kindergarten, my youngest informed me that his bits were bigger than Jacob’s bits.  As it turns out, the kindergarten boys were in the habit of conducting side-by-side comparisons.  Nice.

Enter the tape measure.  So one day when this same cherub-cheeked boy was 5, I was in the kitchen cooking lunch, and he was lying on the sofa watching T.V.  He was devoid of clothing, without apparel, save for the Spiderman underpants he was wearing.

I heard an odd sound, sort of a cross between a chirp and a gasp, coming from his general direction, and couldn’t really tell if it was a good sound or a bad sound.  Glancing over at him, nothing looked askew, so I chalked it up to he was just making weird noises.  Boys makes LOTS of weird noises, and I often find I would rather not know why.

Then I heard it again.  This time it was a bit louder, and decidedly NOT good.  I looked over at him again, and nothing looked odd.  Of course, all I could see was the back of his head, and his feet sticking out in front of him.  Better take a closer look.  As I came around from the side, I noticed that he had the tape measure up against his bits and pieces.  Turns out, he had been checking to see if he measured up.

But–and I am trying to put this very, very delicately–you see, we are Catholic….Gentile.  Not Jewish.  We have never been visited by a mohel, nor had a bris.  Sooooo, anywho, some of his bits had gotten stuck in the metal tape as it retracted, and he dared not allow the tape to retract any further.  He was a millimeter away from losing his religion.  I calmly reached down and pulled the tape back out, thereby releasing his boy bits and allowing him to breathe again.  The color came back to his face in an instant, and he let out a huge sigh, at the same time crying out “Mommy, are you mad at me?”

“No, baby.  I am not mad at you–I was worried you were hurt”.

I am glad to report that both his religion and his bits escaped unharmed. Bless his little heart.

And his little bits and pieces.

But the funniest part was what happened next.

You see, because he was only just beginning to learn his weights and measures, and didn’t quite have a firm grasp on his terminologies, he went around for the next three months telling everyone that his “weenus weighed 3 pounds”.   In between the howling laughter, and spitting beer out of his nose, my husband simply said “you wish..”

His teachers had questions.  His friends seemed impressed.

So, please make sure your children understand the difference between weights and measures, and that you know the difference between an inch and a pound when trying these recipes.

Buttermilk Pound Cake

BUTTERMILK POUND CAKE

makes one standard bundt cake

This cake is super moist and dense, and tastes exactly like a Buttermilk Pie.  It is best served room temperature, with no fanfare, but fresh berries are nice with it if you want to dress it up a bit.

• 3 cups flour
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon nutmeg
• 3 cups sugar
• 1 1/2 cups softened butter
• 4 large eggs
• 1 cup buttermilk
• 2 teaspoons vanilla

Preheat oven to 325*

Grease and flour (or spray) a heavy bundt pan.

Combine flour, salt, nutmeg and baking soda in a bowl and set aside.

In the bowl of a mixer, beat butter and sugar until creamy.  Add eggs, one at time, beating well after each addition.  Add 1/3 of the flour, and 1/3 of the buttermilk, mixing  just until incorporated.  Repeat 2 times, until all of the flour and buttermilk has been incorporated.  Stir in vanilla. Pour into prepared bundt pan, and place in center of oven.  Bake for 1 hour, or until toothpick inserted in center comes out mostly clean.

If you are using a light weight, dark metal, or aluminum pan, you may need to reduce bake time by 10 minutes, at least.